Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
All I want is dick and wine.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize