U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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