Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There's always time for handjobs
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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