Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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