apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
