i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
