I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
