Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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