Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
