He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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