Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
