my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Fuck me I smell like cheese
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
