you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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