My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
