Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize