ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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