At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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