I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
