Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
