I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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