do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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