I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
