I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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