So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
