There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm passing your future prison.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize