I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
