I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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