no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
