This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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