I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
