Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
