theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
