First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
