The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
