I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
