I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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