I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
God, I missed his penis.
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