4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
