If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
