Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize