my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize