I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
