So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize