just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
