I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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