I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i think i just naturally attract stoners
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
