Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
