im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
