I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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