Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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