I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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