Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
