My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
