U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
