Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
