i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
