he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I have feelings that need drinking.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
