Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Randomize
