Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
