I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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