Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
