I could make wine with my vomit
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
