im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
