can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
