is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
