I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
